What they don't tell you...

I have to say, I'm pretty proud of myself for not ranting in print about the joys of pregnancy. I figure no one really wants to hear about it. Today I'm giving in though. There are just so many things that no one told me going into this whole baby business. I'm just doing my duty to the world by exposing the facts. I hope it doesn't make anyone feel awkward.

1. "Morning" sickness
Seriously? Who came up with that name? Certainly not someone who spent morning, noon and night hunched grossly over a toilet. To its defense, I started having real morning sickness at about 32 weeks when, after giving in to Unisom and Vitamin B6, the queasies were finally quelled after about 11am. Which brings me to my second beef with issue number 1. Someone told all the books (and doctors, for that matter) that you should start feeling better at about 14 weeks. That's some nice light at the end of the tunnel for those who actually DO start feeling better, but it makes the rest of us question whether life really is worth living for the second two trimesters.

2. Hairiness

Ok, I've heard that pregnant women have nice hair. Anyone want to know why? Because none of your hair falls out when you're pregnant. That's right, not just the stuff on your head. Blondies don't notice quite so much (so I hear) but the rest of us get pretty fuzzy all over. So as if shaving blindly over a huge belly wasn't hard enough, it is now a daily necessity.

3. Hyperpigmentation

I think I just made up a word. What I mean is, everything that was light gets darker, and what was dark can now be seen from a mile away on a galloping horse. One day it's a freckle, the next, you think you have cancer. Same goes for scars and that lovely line running all the way down your belly (betcha didn't even know what was there).

4. Braindeadness

I've never been so dumb in my life. I promise, I graduated from college and got good grades and stuff, it's just that now I can't seem to make it through a day without some kind of disaster.
Example: Locked my keys in the house while on my way to get James from work. So I can't get in the house; can't get in the car; everybody's stranded. This was after I put the keys on the table thinking 'I'd better not forget these when I go out the door'.

5. Peeing in a cup

I seriously was going to take a picture of the cup you have to pee in every time you go to the doctor, but...see number 4. The thing holds one ounce. Like half a dixie cup. I'm convinced that even a man would have trouble stemming the stream to fill that puppy without spilling. Add to that the following limitations:
You're a woman:

You can't see a thing

You have no idea when how full the cup is until it's already overflowed

You're squatting uncomfortably

Missing the cup altogether is entirely possible

You're pregnant:

Everything's a bit swollen which makes you pee crooked

Not only are you squatting weirdly on the toilet, but you've got a huge belly to reach around

You've been holding it for what seems like an eternity (which is probably just 30 minutes)

That being said, I'm proud to announce that at my last doctor's visit I didn't spill a drop.

6. Sleeping is really hard

You're not allowed to lay on your back or stomach or your baby will die (or something bad like that). For some reason your joints are super loose and will actually fall out of socket if you're not careful. So you've got a pillow under your knee (protect that hip joint) and one under your arm (ditto shoulder), one behind your back and however many under your head. Now where's your husband supposed to sleep? Add to that the 12 nightly bathroom runs and the time it takes to get resituated after each trip and you've got yourself a humdinger of a night!

7. Eating for two

Right. Assuming you can keep your food down in the first place, try fitting a whole meal in your stomach with a baby. On the other hand, you're hungry for two, so join the toddlers in church with your fruit snacks and crackers.

8. The snail trail

I've heard that your body produces more mucus in preparation for shooting that baby on out when the time comes. Ok, great but why does it last the whole 9 months and why on earth do you need that mucus in your nose?

9. Contractions do not mean labor

So, it turns out that you can have contractions every 10 minutes for weeks and no baby. I'll admit to liking them at first because they made me look tough (your stomach gets so hard you could bounce a quarter off it), but after a few nights of waking up to every single one of them I've started to wonder what the point is.

10. No one can tell you what labor feels like

Seriously. I've asked around. Since contractions do not equal labor, what does? Some people say their back hurts. Ok, so I've been in labor for 5 months now. Some say their contractions get closer together and more regular. Some people have their babies with contractions 20 minutes apart. Pretty much I'm going to either spend days in the hospital with false hope, or have this baby in the car when I finally realize what's going on.

I think that's enough complaining. I feel better now. I think I'll top off the afternoon with some chocolate milk and yet another deep cleaning of the bathroom.